


From Afar

by spideybabeparker



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, F/M, Mutual Pining, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-10
Updated: 2020-01-10
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:00:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22193689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spideybabeparker/pseuds/spideybabeparker
Summary: It’s hard not to fall in love with someone when they’ve been your best friend your whole life. Some times someone is perfect for you, but both of you are too afraid to act on your feelings.{”I can’t picture my life without you. I tried to live my life without you, but I realized right away I can’t.“I wish I could take back how things played out that night. I wish I would of acted on my feeling before I lost my soul.”}
Relationships: sam winchester x plus size reader - Relationship, sam winchester x reader
Comments: 1
Kudos: 14





	1. are we something to each other

Even on your worst day he has always a phone call away. He has always been there to tell you that you were going to be okay. He’s sunshine on a rainy day, and the air in your lungs. From the moment you met him at four years old Sam Winchester became your best friend. The thought of a life without Sam in it didn’t make any sense to you.

Sam and you had been there for each other through thick and thin. You were there for him when he decided that he wanted to go to Stanford, and he was there for you when you decided to become a nurse.

At a very young age it was very clear to you that you were very much in love with the younger Winchester. He’s your best friend, and one of the best people you’ve ever met. Of course you fell in love with him.

You had been with boy basically full time from the moment the Angels had fallen, and Sam almost died from the trials. Almost losing him to that made you realize that you need to be in his life.

You arrive at the bunker after a long hunt with Sam, Dean, Cas, and Jack. You took out a nest of Vamps and it was a way stronger pack then you were used to.

You grew up the daughter of a hunter. Your father Conner was close friends with Jon Winchester. You grew up with Sam and Dean, and even when you didn’t see them all the time you constantly talked to him.

All you wanted was to take a shower and get some sleep. Excusing yourself from the boys you head off to the shower. Stripping away your clothes you step into the warm water. The water washes away the dirt that coated your skin, and strong stream helps relieve the tension in your shoulders.

Stepping out of the shower you wrap a towel around your overly curvy body. Without bothering to get dressed you brush your teeth. You turn to leave the bathroom and looked up to find Sam walking into the bathroom. You notice his hazel eyes traveling up and down your curvy body that is only covered by a towel. You know that you should feel awkward being dressed in only a towel, but you aren’t. He’s seen you naked before so seeing you in a towel isn’t anything shocking.

A smile crosses your face as his cheeks flush slightly.

“I didn’t know you were still in here,” he says.

“It’s fine,” you respond.

“Are you hungry?” he asks almost as if he’s trying to change the subject.

“I could go for a sandwich.”

“After I take a quick shower did you want to make something to eat together?”

You smile and nod, “yeah meet me in my room.”

Heading off to your room you change into something comfortable. You dress yourself in a pair of leggings, and slouchy sweater. Sitting on your bed you have the romance novel you have been reading sat in front of you.

You read a couple of pages before there is a knock on your door. You tell them they can come in. Sam slowly walks inside and sits next to you on your bed. He gives you a smile as he pushes his fingers through his wet hair.

“So how does a sandwich sound?” you ask closing your book.

“It sounds great, I’m starving,” he stands up.

Together you walk off to the kitchen. You’re surprised that you don’t see Dean sitting in the kitchen eating. The whole way home Dean had been complaining how hungry he was. Walking over to the fridge you pull out everything you need to make a sandwich. You quickly make sandwiches for both you and Sam and you walk over and sit across from each other at the table.

You eat in comfortable silence, enjoying the time you’re getting to spend together. Just as Sam is finishing his sandwich Dean walks into the kitchen with a beer in hand.

“Where is my sandwich?” Dean asks.

“She didn’t make you one,” Sam says before taking his final bite of his sandwich.

“Darling I’m hurt you didn’t make me one of your amazing sandwiches,” Dean says sounding wounded.

“Would you like me to make you a sandwich?” you ask.

“Don’t make him a sandwich,” Sam says standing up with his plate in hand.

“I’ll make him one, because I made you one,” you say before taking the last bite of your sandwich.

“You made me one because I’m your favorite,” Sam smiles.

You can’t help but smile at Sam’s comment. You couldn’t lie Sam is your favorite, but he’s not just your favorite Winchester he’s your favorite person in the world.

“Well I’m tired I’m going to head to bed,” Sam says excusing himself from the kitchen.

“Goodnight Sam.”

“Goodnight doll,” he says before walking out of the kitchen.

Sam leaves the kitchen and walk over to Dean to make a sandwich with him. He stands there helping you make his dinner. You hand him the plate with his favorite turkey sandwich and you walk over to the fridge and grab a beer for yourself and Dean.

Sitting back down at the table Dean sits in the same spot Sam had been sitting in. You sip on your beer watching Dean enjoying his sandwich.

“I don’t know how I would keep Sammy in one piece if it wasn’t for you,” Dean says between bites.

A soft chuckle passes your lips,”I don’t think you would be in one piece if it wasn’t for me.” You had stitched the boys up more then once during a hunt. It came in handy having trained nurse around all the time.

“That’s true, I’m not just talking about you playing nurse. Sammy needs you in his life.” he smiles.

Dean’s words make butterflies flutter in your stomach. Dean was well aware of your special relationship you share with his younger brother.

Before you can even respond Jack walks into the kitchen. The young Niphilim in probably just as hungry as you, Sam, and Dean were. Dean continues to eat his sandwich as you watch Jack makes himself a bowl of cereal. He walks over and sits at the table next to you. He smiles at you before he takes a bite of sugary cereal.

“I thought Sam told you that will rot your teeth?” you ask giving the young Niphlim a hard time. You share a special relationship with him. From the moment you met him you just wanted to protect him. When he was born you sided with Sam on wanting to protect him.

“Don’t tell Sam,” Jack says before taking another bite.

“Just because Sam likes rabbit food doesn’t mean we do,” Dean says before taking a big bite of his sandwich.

“I won’t tell Sam,” you smile.

You sit in the kitchen with the boys drinking your beer. After you finish you head off down the hallway and head off to see Sam. Knocking on his door you wait for him to invite you in. Slowly walking into his room you find him researching something on his laptop.

“Did Dean enjoy his sandwich?” he asks as he closes his laptop.

You nod and walk over and sit on the edge of his bed.

“What’s up?’ he asks.

You shrug your shoulders you weren’t even sure why you went into his room. It might of been because you wanted to see him one last time before you went to bed.

“I was getting ready to head off to bed, and I think I just wanted to say goodnight one last time.”

You both look at each other for a long moment, he reaches over and rest his hand on your thigh and his hazel eyes meet yours. It was moments like this it took everything in you to not lean over and press your lips to his.

“Goodnight,” he says softly as he leans in closer to you.

“Goodnight Sammy,” you smile.

You look away knowing you can’t kiss him. Even though you want nothing more then to kiss him, but you can’t. You slowly stand up and give Sam a smile before walking out of his bed room. You walk to your room that is next to his. Sitting on the edge of your bed you look at the wall that is shared between yours and Sam’s room.

You love Sam more than anything and how much you want to be with him, you know from the past that things should stay how they are.


	2. since your love came breaking through

_**THEN** _

_At the age of nine, your life changed out of nowhere. It was chilly Sunday morning when you walked into the kitchen to find your mom with a suitcase in her hand. Tears were sliding down her cheeks as she spoke to your father. The look on his face was one you had never seen before. His look was a mixture of sadness and anger._

_Everything seemed like a blur as your mother told you through tears that she was leaving. You didn’t fully understand that she didn’t want to be a mother to you full time. She walked out the door leaving you sobbing. Your father held you while you cried._

_You sat in your room for over an hour crying. You only stopped when Sam walked into your room. Your dad called Jon Winchester telling him what had happened._

_Without a second thought Sam rushed over to you and held you while you started to cry again. You knew right then that he was going to be your best friend forever._

_When you finally stopped crying Sam convinced you to go outside and play with him. The house you lived in with your father had a huge backyard that backed up to the woods. Sam and you were running around chasing after each other while Dean sat on the swing watching you both. He was thirteen and had no desire to play with two kids._

_Sam raced up to you grabbing your hand pulling you down into the tall grass. The sun was shining bright on both of you as you lay there giggling. Looking over at him you couldn’t help but notice the way he giggled as you laid there. It was clear to you in that moment that you had a crush on your best friend. He was the only person who was able to help you stop crying. He was the only person who could make you laugh so hard it hurts._

_“What are you two doing?” Dean asks as he walked over to you._

_Sitting up you smile at the older Winchester who doesn’t seem amused by you and Sam. “We’re playing,” you say._

_“You two really are a bunch of children,” Dean groans._

_“Hey,” Sam shouts._

_“Go ahead and keep playing with your future wife,” Dean says walking back over to the swing._

_You look over at Sam confused on why Dean made that comment. There is no way he knows that you have a crush on Sam._

_“Dean doesn’t know what he’s talking about. He’s just jealous you’re my best friend,” Sam says as he lays back down in the tall grass._

_-_

**NOW**

The autumn weather is slightly chilly as you walk through town with Sam by your side. You both needed some fresh air. Sam wanted to go jogging, but you convinced him to walk into town with you to get a cup of coffee. 

The grounds covered in autumn leaves as you walk down the road together. The warm colors of red, orange, and yellow are a constant reminder of your love of autumn. Another cool breeze blows and you tugged your coat closed. Looking up at Sam you find him watching you.

“Are you cold?” he asks.

You shake your head lying to him. You regret not wearing your scarf. It’s quite a bit more chilly than you expected it to be.

“Are you lying to me?” he asks knowing you all too well.

“Never,” you smile.

Without another word he steps closer to you and placed his arms holding your overly curvy body close to him. Looking up you try your hardest not to smile at him, but you can’t help it. 

“I know you won’t let me give you my jacket, so this is the next best thing,” he says as you continue to walk down the street together.

You never felt safer than when you were in his arms. 

Walking into town you stop at your favorite coffee shop. You can not wait to hold a warm cup of coffee in your hands. You place your order and even before you can pay Sam orders himself a cup of coffee and pays the barista. You just shake your head that he won’t allow you to pay for yourself. He never has, and he never will let you pay.

“Thank you,” you say softly as you walk to the bar to wait for your drinks.

“You’re welcome,” he steps closer to you and smiles. 

Even inside the warm coffee shop you’re still pretty cold and it’s clear to Sam that you haven’t warmed up. He steps towards you and wraps his arms around you and pulls you into his strong chest. Your head rest on his strong torso as he gently rubs your back.

“I should wear a warmer jacket next time,” you say looking up at him.

“That might be a good idea,” he says.

The barista calls your name and you step away from Sam hesitantly. If you had your way you could of stood there in his arms all day. 

Walking over you grab yours and Sam’s coffees. You hand him his and leads you out of the coffee shop. He holds the front door for you and waits for you to walk outside back into the cool autumn air.

Together you start walking back to the bunker. You get about ten feet from the coffee shop when he places his arm across your shoulders pulling you once again close to his body. You smile as you bring your coffee up to your lips again.

Walking back into the bunker Sam receives a text from Donna asking if he can research something for her. 

“Did you want to help me do some research?” he asks as you stand in the library with him.

“Sure,” you say sitting down at the table.

You and Sam sit in the library for an hour researching for Donna. After Sam gets back to her with the information you’ve discovered you tell Sam you should relax and watch a movie together. You head off to your room with him following behind you.

You find one of your favorites Weird Science and turn it on. Laying down on your bed Sam walks over and sits down on the bed next to you. 

“How do you still love this movie?” he asks as your eyes are focused on the TV in front of you.

“It’s a classic,” you say glancing up at him.

“I swear I have watched this movie probably twenty times with you,” he states.

“You don’t have to watch it, I’m sure I could show it to Cas or Jack,” you say knowing damn well he’s not going to take you up on your offer. 

“We both know I’m not leaving,” he shakes his head before laying down on the bed next to you.

“Be happy I invited you,” you say as you reach out and poke his strong shoulder.

He lets out a heavy sigh and says, “I don’t turn down watching a movie with you.”

Together you lay on your bed until the movie is over. As the end credits roll both your stomachs are growling, and you know that if you both are hungry Dean is most likely just as hungry. You let Sam know you’re going to make dinner for the group.

You head off to Dean’s room to let him know you’re making dinner, and then head off to the kitchen. 

Standing in front of the stove you work on making some pasta for the boys. Looking up you see Jack walking towards you. He’s probably just as hungry as you and the boys and was curious to know what’s for dinner.

“Can I help you cook?” he asks.

“Of course,” you smile.

Jack was constantly wanting to learn new things and you were willing to teach him anything you could. You share a special bond with the young Niphilim and you want to teach him anything you can.

“Can you please mix the sauce for me?” you ask.

He nods and takes the wooden spoon from the you. He mixes the sauce and smiles at you. He found doing normal things like this completely entertaining. 

“Can I ask you something?” he says as he places the wooden spoon down.

You pour the pasta into the boiling water and say, “yeah you can ask me anything.”

“Have you and Sam ever been a couple?” 

You can’t say you’re shocked he asked this question. He has no clue about your past you have shared with Sam. All he has ever seen in his short life is how strangely close you are with Sam. To someone who didn’t know about your lifetime of history would probably assume you were either together now or had been in the past.

“No we’ve never been a couple, he’s my best friend.”

He’s so much more than your best friend, but you can’t even think of where to start when it comes to explaining your relationship. 

“You both love each other though?” he seems confused.

You shrug your shoulders and nod your head, “yeah we love each other, I also love you, Dean and Cas.”

His eyes narrow as he is processing what you are saying, “You love Sam differently than you do us though.”

Jack isn’t wrong in assuming this. You love Sam differently than you ever had anything or any one. 

“He’s my best friend and he’s been there for me through hell and back, literally. I can’t tell you the times he held me while I cried. Or how many times he made me smile when I didn’t want to.”

He picks up the spoon again and starts to mix the sauce, “I think that means you’re in love.”

His statement catches you slightly off guard. Stopping you stare at the stove trying to process what he had just said to you. 

Your heart races as you stand there unsure of what to even say to Jack. 

“Did I say something wrong?” Jack asks sound concerned.

Shaking your head you say, “I think you said everything right.”

“Does Sam feel the same way?” he asks.

You shrug your shoulders. You know Sam feels something for you, but you have no clue if it’s the same thing you feel. Any chance you might of had with Sam you most likely blew all those years ago when you were seventeen and scared.

“I don’t know.”

“Maybe you should tell him how you feel?” Jack says.

“If only it was that simple,” you say.

You and Jack finish cooking and you plate pasta for everyone before calling the boys to the table. Jack sits next to Dean at the table and Sam sits right next to you like he always does. As you all eat together you can feel Jack watching you and Sam closely.

Your conversation with Jack left you wondering why you were so afraid when you were young. You can’t help but wonder if everything would be different if you just would have said yes all those years ago.


	3. my heart in your arms

_**THEN** _

_At age sixteen Dean took on the brave task of attempting to teach you to drive. Sitting in the driver’s seat of your dad’s truck your hands gripped the steering wheel as you stared straight ahead. You’re in the large field behind the house. Sam is sat on the porch watching carefully has his brother was in the truck with you._

_“Okay Darling put your foot on the break and shift the car into drive,” Dean says calmly._

_Dean only agreed to teach you to drive because according to your father he was going to have a heart attack in the car if he had to teach you. Jon offered up Dean’s service to teach you. He dropped off Sam and Dean at your place, and him and your father went on a hunt in Minnesota._

_“Okay,” you say nodding your head._

_You carefully follow his instruction. You shift the car into drive and glance over at Dean smiling._

_“Okay now you’re going to take your foot off the break and gently put it on the gas._

_It didn’t take long before Dean had you comfortable driving the truck. You couldn’t help the proud smile that was plastered across your lips as your drove around your backyard._

_Dean showed you how to back the car up when he had you park the truck on the side of the house._

_You jumped out of the truck and practically skipped over to Sam who was still sitting on the porch._

_“Sammy did you see that?” you asked stopping at the bottom of the porch._

_He nods and smiles at you, “you did great.”_

_“Dean is the best teacher ever. When my dad was trying to teach me, he just kept freaking out.”_

_Dean walks up to the porch and puts his hand on your shoulder and says, “hear that Sammy I’m the best teacher ever.”_

_Sam just glared at his brother and you couldn’t help but wonder if maybe he was jealous that Dean was getting to teach you to drive and not him. Dean walked inside saying about wanting something to drink._

_Sam walked back over and sat down on the couch that was on the back porch. You didn’t say anything as you walked over and sat down next to him. He seemed suddenly off and you weren’t sure if something was wrong_

_“Did I do something wrong?” you ask._

_He shakes his head and looks away from you. Things seem different between you and you don’t like that._

_“Sam what’s wrong?” you ask reaching over and resting your hand on his knee._

_He bites his bottom lip almost as if he was holding back wanting to say something to you. He looks down at your hand that is on his knee and lets out a heavy sigh._

_“Can you please talk to me?” you ask practically begging._

_“I don’t like that Dean is the one that gets to teach you how to drive,” he says finally letting you know that he is in fact jealous of his older brother._

_“I wish you could teach me to drive, but he’s been driving longer and my dad asked him to teach me,” you gently squeeze his knee and he looks up at you slowly._

_“I know I just wish it could be me,” he says._

_“Why do you wish it was you?” you can’t help but wonder why he’s so jealous of his older brother._

_“Because you’re my girl not Dean’s,” he gives you a half smile and you the butterflies start fluttering in your stomach._

_“I’m your girl?” you’re trying your hardest to not grin like a complete idiot. You’re trying to play it cool, but your best friend who you’re basically in love with just said your his girl._

_“You’re always going to be my girl,” he placed his hand on top of yours and smiled._

_-_

_At age seventeen things felt like they were changing. Sam was at your house while Dean was out hunting with Jon and your father. You were in the kitchen making sandwiches for lunch so you could eat them before watching a movie in the living room together._

_“I think I want to go to law school,” he says speaking up._

_You look over at him and you knit your eyebrows together. He had mentioned a couple times in the past that he thought being a lawyer would be cool, but he never said he wanted to be one._

_“Why don’t you go to law school then?” you ask as you spread some mustard on your bread._

_“I don’t think my dad will let me walk away from hunting,” he says setting his sandwich down._

_In the last year or so things between Jon and Sam had become strained. He isn’t like Dean he doesn’t love hunting. He craved a normal life. Hell any chance he got to sit out of hunt to stay with you he would say he would stay home to watch after you. You both knew you didn’t need anyone to watch you, Sam just didn’t want to go hunting._

_“Sam you need to do what is going to make you happy, if going to college and becoming a lawyer will make you happy. I want you to do that,” you sit your sandwich down and look over at him._

_“What in life is going to make you happy?” he asks._

_You shrug your shoulders, “I don’t know. I’ve thought about becoming a nurse for awhile.”_

_“Why don’t you go to medical school then?” he says as he reaches out and laces his finger with yours._

_“I think I want to,” you say smiling._

_“We could always go to college together and get a place together. We could take care of each other,” he says smiling._

_You want nothing more in the world then to live with Sam and maybe find life away from hunting._

_-_

**NOW**

Walking into the library with a cup of coffee in your hand, you let out a yawn as you find Sam reading some book. You sit down across from him and carefully watch him as his eyes are trained on the pages in front of him.

“Why are you drinking coffee at noon?” he asks looking up from his book.

“That’s an extremely rude question,” you say before taking a drink of your coffee.

“I don’t think you love anything as much as you love coffee,” he lets out a soft laugh before looking back down at the book.

“That’s not true,” you say placed the yellow coffee cup down on the table in front of you.You would give up a lifetime of coffee for Sam. He didn’t seem to realize that though.

“Oh really?” he raises an eyebrow as he looks up at you.

“Yeah,” you say staring into his hazel eyes.

“Do you ever think about what would’ve happened if you went to Stanford with me?”

His question made your stomach drop. You thought about almost every day of your life. Him asking you to go was a turning point for everything.

-

_**THEN** _

_At seventeen he called you randomly on a Monday night asking if he could drive to you. It was unusual for him to take the hour drive to see you alone. You could tell by his voice something was wrong. He sounded like he was about ready to burst into tears._

_At eight o’clock at night he pulled into your driveway. You were happy your dad was away on a hunt because you could tell Sam needed you._

_“Sam what’s wrong?” you ask as he gets out of his truck and walks towards you. His eyes are bloodshot and you can tell he’s been crying._

_Without saying a word he pulls you into his chest and just holds you. You know right away that something must have happened with Jon._

_“Sammy you have to tell me what’s wrong?” you asks as he continues to hold you, and you gently rub his back._

_“Can we go inside?” he asks as he releases you._

_Nodding your head you reach down and lace your fingers with his and lead him inside. You sit down on the couch and Sam stands in front of you just staring at you with a weird look._

_“You’re scaring me, what’s wrong?” you need to know if he’s okay._

_“I got into a huge fight with my dad. I told him I’m going to Stanford and told me I can’t walk away from the family.”_

_Your heart drops at the fact that he actually applied to Stanford. You shook away your selfish thoughts with his eyes started to water again. You could tell that he was hurting. He wanted a normal life so badly, and this was his one chance._

_“You’re going to Stanford?”_

_He nods as he reaches up and pushes his tears away. He drops down to his knees in front of the couch and grabs both your hands. He stares at you with a desperate look._

_“Please come with me. We can leave all this behind, we can walk about from being hunters. We can have a normal life together,” he’s begging you and suddenly your eyes started to water. His tone is filled with desperation, “We can get an apartment together, and you and I can start a life together. I will take care of you and give you everything you deserve. You can go to medical school and you can live your dream with me.”_

_Tears start sliding down your cheeks as he pleads with you. You want nothing more than to tell him yes and to basically run away with him, but you can’t. You’re father needs you, especially after your mother left him._

_“Sammy I can’t,” you say as tears slide down your cheeks._

_He releases your hands and moves back away from you. Your heart hurts as he looks at you completely heartbroken._

_“I need you to go with me. I need you in my life,” he begs._

_“Sam I can’t walk away from my dad. I love you so much, you’re my best friend, but I can’t leave him. He’ll be heartbroken, after mom left him he needs me,” you reach forward and grab his hands to pull him closer to you once again._

_“I love you and I just want you to be happy, and I know I can make you happy in California,” he says leaning forward so he once again close to you._

_“I know you can make me happy but my dad needs me.”_

_“I know that, I’m just being selfish,” he moves so he sitting on the couch next to you._

_You both silently stare at the ground in front of you. After this night you both knew things were forever going to be different._

_“You’re still going to be my best friend right?” you ask looking over at him._

_“I’m always going to be your best friend,” he says as he leans over and gently presses his lips to your tear stained cheek._

_-_

**NOW**

You’re still sat in the library staring at him. He probably doesn’t realize that there hasn’t been a day in your life you had thought of that night he drove to see you. Something tells you in your heart that if you would of went to Stanford you would of been together long ago. That he wouldn’t of had to go through losing Jess. That you could of had that normal life you both desired so much back then.

If you would of went to Stanford maybe you could of prevented him from letting Lucifer from possessing him and then locking him in the cage. You constantly think about all the things that might of been different.

“I think about it all the time,” you say as your grip your coffee up.

“I think about it too,” he says softly.

That night left both you wondering if things would have turned out completely different if you just would of said, “yes.”


	4. are we caught between the covers

**NOW**

Somehow Jack convinces you and Sam to stay in on a Saturday night. You have never been the type of person who likes to go out and party, but sometimes you like to go into town and get a drink with the boys. A board game was on the table in front of you. Jack was sitting next to you eating a slice of pizza. Sam was across from you sipping on a beer. 

Lifting the bottle of beer to your lips to take a sip and smile at Sam who is rolling the dice. 

It’s just the three of you in the bunker tonight. Somehow Dean convinced Cas to go out to the bar with him. You know this means that Dean was probably going to go home with some random girl. 

“Any bets Dean isn’t coming home tonight?” You ask joking. 

Jack holds back a smile as he rolls the dice. 

“Knowing Dean, Cas is probably going to come home alone,” Sam says before taking another drink of his beer. 

“You didn’t want to go out with Dean?” you ask Sam who’s hazel eyes are locked on yours.

He stares at you for a long moment, biting his lip. It’s almost as if he doesn’t know what he should say.

“I don’t have a desire to sleep with random women,” he says simply.

Jack looks at you with his eyebrows knit together. 

Sam’s simple words suddenly cause a tension between the two of you. It’s the tension that you both were all too familiar with. 

_**THEN** _

_Spring break of your sophomore year of college you decide to fly out to Stanford to see your best friend._

_Your flight lands on warm Tuesday afternoon. You only have two days to spend with Sam but you’re beyond excited. With your suitcase hand you walk through the airport looking for your best friend._

_You find him holding a sign with your name on it. He’s smiling as you walk towards him. The moment you are close enough he lunges forward pulling your soft body against his tone one. He holds you as if he’s hasn’t seen you in a decade. In all reality he hasn’t seen you in about a year. Since coming to school he stays in California for every break. According to him the only thing for him in Kansas is you, and he doesn’t want to see his dad._

_All the money you have been saving up has gone to you buying this plane ticket. You would go completely broke if it means you get to see your best friend._

_He hasn’t let go of you as he hugs you gently swaying side to side._

_“I missed you so much,” he says with his lips resting on top of your head._

_“I missed you too,” you hold on to him almost clinging to him. You can’t imagine ever letting go of him._

_You stay there just hugging for a long moment. Slowly he pulls away from you looks down at you smiling._

_“How’s school going?” he asks._

_“Good I’m finishing up my general classes.”_

_He pulls away and reaches down to grab the handle of your suitcase. He hands you the sign with your name on it before he reaches for your free hand. Hand in hand he leads you out of the airport. He leads you over to the car he’s recently been driving._

_The drive from the airport to Sam’s school isn’t too long. He takes your bag and leads you off to his dorm. He leads you off to his single dorm he has. It’s small but he says it works for him. The last time you spoke he mentioned getting an apartment in the summer and living off campus._

_You sit down on the edge of Sam’s bed and smile. He seems so happy to finally have that normal life he’s always wanted._

_“You can have my bed, and I’ll take the couch,” he says sitting down on the futon that sits opposite of his bed._

_“What’s the plan for the night Sam?” you ask standing up. “Are you going to show me what life is like in California?”_

_He nods his head and smiles as he stands up._

_He takes you on a tour of his campus and then you walk around town together. His arms is thrown over your shoulder holding you close to his strong body. Everything between you seems so perfect._

_Walking into Sam’s favorite bookstore he watches you smiling as you search through the shelves of books. According to him you’re never happier than when you nose is buried in a book. He can’t say he’s wrong. You love reading more than anything._

_You leave the bookstore and you can’t help but be in love with the beautiful California weather. For lunch Sam decides to take you to a local deli so you both can get sandwiches and you can have a picnic in the park together._

_Sitting in the middle of the park you lay on you back staring up at the clouds. He lays down next to you and looks over at you smiling. You suddenly feel like a little kid again, laying in your backyard._

_“So much in our lives have changed since we were little,” you say as you run your fingers through the grass._

_“Some stuff has changed for the better and others not so much,” he says._

_Glancing over at him you know he’s right, a lot of good has happened in your life, but there’s a lot of stuff you both wish you could change._

_“So have you dated anyone since I left?” he asks. You can’t lie you had been waiting for him to ask about your dating life since you stepped off the plane._

_Glancing back at him you say, “well I went on a few dates with this guy Jonas, but things didn’t play out as planned.”_

_He gives you a confused look as he knits his eyebrows together, “what does that mean?”_

_You suddenly feel embarrassed as you say, “so things were going good and we almost did it, and my dad walked in.”_

_Your cheeks burn bright red thinking about your father walking in on you making out with Jonas in nothing but your underwear._

_Sam sits up quickly and looks at you with wide eyes, “excuse me what? Why would you even risk that if you knew your dad was home?”_

_You cover your eyes wishing you never said anything, “my dad was on a hunt, and he came home early.”_

_“Did your dad kill this Jonas guy?” Sam asks trying his hardest not to laugh at your completely embarrassing moment._

_“No but he stopped seeing me because he was afraid of my dad,” you sigh uncovering your eyes._

_“If I ask you something can you promise to not get mad at me?” he asks._

_You narrow your eyes at him suddenly nervous for whatever he was going to ask you, “I guess.”_

_He bites his bottom lip as if he’s still wondering if he should ask whatever he wants to ask you. You grow more nervous by every single second._

_“Are you still a virgin?” he asks hesitantly._

_Slowly you nod feeling really embarrassed for some reason. There is absolutely no reason why you should feel embarrassed. You know that Sam would never judge you for never having sex._

_“Why are you looking at me like you want to crawl in hole?”_

_“Because it feels so weird that you know this,” you groan as you sit up._

_“You don’t need to feel embarrassed about this,” he reaches over and pushes a piece of hair behind your ear._

_“Are you still a virgin?” you ask wanting to know._

_You aren’t sure how you’ll feel if he tells you someone has touched Sam the way you have only dreamed of touching him._

_He shakes his head silently and your stomach drops._

_“Oh,” you say softly._

_“Did you still want to be?” he asks sounding so unsure._

_Silently you stare at him. You biting your bottom lip as you process what he just said to you. You’re fine with being a virgin. You could wait until marriage and it won’t bother you, but if your first time could be with Sam that’s a dream._

_“No,” you say barely above a whisper._

_“Would it be weird if I offered to help?” he asks with his cheeks flushing a shade of pink._

_You shake your head as smile tugs on your lips._

_“Did you want it to be me?” he reaches forward and rest his hand on your knee._

_“Yes,” you say as you rest your hand on top of his. You want nothing more in the world for your first time to be with Sam._

_“I don’t want you to feel like I’m putting you on the spot, you can say no,” he starting to ramble like he’s worried he said something wrong._

_“I don’t think you’re putting me on the spot. I would really like for you to be my first,” you smile._

_He stares at you for a long moment and butterflies start fluttering in your stomach._

_“I’ll make sure it’s enjoyable for you, and I’ll take care of you,” he leans forward and presses his lips to your temple. Closing your eyes you take in the feeling of his gentle lips. You feel so safe with him, and you trust him with your life._

_“Okay, I trust you,” you say and he automatically smile._

_You spend the rest of the afternoon walking around the city together. He holds your hand keeping you close to him. The day is literally perfect with Sam. You can’t believe you haven’t seen him in so long._

_As he takes you back to his dorm you start feeling nervous. You know he’s going to take care of you, and your first time is going to be special. He leans you into his dorm, and you can tell he seems more nervous than normal._

_He releases your hand and moves so he’s standing in front of you. You reach up and rest your hand on his cheek you need to let him know that he means the world to you._

_“I trust you so much, and I want you to know that I love you.”_

_“I love you too, and it means so much to me that you trust me,” he reaches up and removed your hand from his face._

_You stare at each other for a long moment, and you know that things are going to be different from here on out._

_Leaning forward he presses his lips to yours for your first kiss. His touch is electric as his hands gently hold your round face. Your hands are gripping his white t-shirt holding him close to you. You have kissed plenty of boys in the past, but none of them made you feel the way Sam was. Butterflies fluttered around your stomach as he pulls his lips away from yours slowly. A smile tugs at the corners of your mouth as you look up at your best friend._

_“I’ve wanted to do that for a while,” he says softly._

_Silently you nod your head unsure of what to say. He manages to leave you speechless with a simple kiss._

_“I have missed you so much,” he says leaning down and presses his forehead to yours._

_“I’ve missed you too.”_

_“Are you sure you want to do this?” he asks._

_You nod and say, “yeah I trust you.”_

_“That means the world to me,” his thumb gently glides across your bottom lip._

_Sam’s your everything, and you trust him with your life. It only seems right that he’ll be your first._

_“Come here,” he reaches down and takes your hand leading your towards his bed._

_When you made the choice to come to Stanford to see him you never expected for you to lose your virginity to Sam. You love him with all your heart and you would give him anything._

_You sit down on the edge of his bed and he stands in front of you. He pulls off his shirt and your eyes automatically travel up and down his tone body. Standing up you reach up and trace his tattoo that is inked on his chest._

_His eyes close as he lowers his head. You whisper his name and his hazel eyes open._

_“I have one too,” you say stepping away from him._

_You got it six months ago when your father requested you did to keep you safe. You reach for the bottom of your shirt and pull it off. You stand in front of him in your bra and feeling very exposed. If anyone else was standing in front of you, you wouldn’t feel comfortable with your round stomach being on display. The thing is that it’s not just anyone standing in front of you, it’s Sam. Your best friend and your everything._

_He must sense yours nerves because he reaches forward and touches the ink that’s on your skin below your collarbone. His hazel eyes are on yours as he says, “you’re beautiful.”_

_Slowly you reach for his belt. Your hands shake slightly as your unbuckle his belt. You feel his eyes on yours as you unbutton his jeans. Pulling your hands away from him you look up at him feeling nervous._

_He pushes his pants down his thighs leaving himself only in his boxers. He discards his pants and looks at you and asks, “may I?”_

_Slowly you nod. You need to be brave, and he’s going to take care of you._

_His hands reach for the button on your jeans. As he unbuttons them he drops to your knees in front of you and pushes your jeans down you thick thighs. You’re left on in your bra and panties. You curse yourself for not wearing something a little sexier than your polka dot panties and yellow bra._

_He looks up at you and his eyes seem to be filled with wonder. He you feel so safe with him, you weren’t sure why you waited this long for this to happen._

_His fingers hooking into your panties and he pulls them gently down your thick thighs. Your eyes are locked on him as you hold your breath. Stepping out of your panties you stand there bare from the waist down only wearing your bra._

_“Can I?” he asks looking up at you._

_“You don’t have to ask for anything.”_

_Leaning forward he presses his lips to your mound. Closing your eyes you take in feeling of his lips on your skin. His fingers gently slide through your folds, and it’s not long before you’re putty in his hand. Soon you’re moaning his name and he pushes you over the edge for the first time._

_He’s leave you a panting mess. He stands in front of you smiling._

_Standing behind you he unclasp your bra and gently pushed the straps down. Standing there completely naked in front of him you want nothing more in the moment then to see his beautiful body on display. He steps in front of you and leans down to press his lips to yours for another soft kiss._

_“May I?” you ask with a little smile_

_He nods and you reach for the band on his boxers. You push them down his thighs and his excitement is on full display for you._

_“Are you ready?” he asks._

_“Yes,” you step away from him and crawl onto his bed._

_He reaches down and grabs his wallet from his jeans pocket. Opening his wallet he pulls out a foil packet he must of been storing in there. He tears the foil packet open and you watch with wide eyes as he slides the rubber down his length._

_Slowly he crawls onto the bed so he hovering over you. You know what’s about to happen might be uncomfortable at first._

_“Are you sure about this?” he asks._

_You nod and say, “I want this.”_

_“Okay,” he says before slowly sliding into you._

_The first sensation you feel is a stinging. You body isn’t used to having something down there. Especially something as big as him. He moved extremely slowly giving you a chance to adjust to his size. He bottoms out and stills completely. He’s hovering over you looking down at you with a worried expression. You know that he’s worried he’s hurting you._

_“I’m okay,” you say reaching up and taking his face in your hands._

_“You sure,” he says._

_Nodding you smile at him. It might be slightly uncomfortable but it isn’t super painful. You knew there was no way Sam could or would ever hurt you. Pulling his face closer to yours you press your lips to his._

_Your lips move together. You kiss him as if you’re trying to remind him that you need him. That you don’t actually exist without him. He is the sun and you’re moon, he’s your everything. Everything you’re feeling you’re too afraid to tell him._

_“You can move,” you say with your lips ghosting his._

_His thrust are slow and gentle. With each slow thrust the discomfort slowly starts disappearing. As you grow closer to the edge you never fully get there, before he comes moaning your name with his lips brushing yours. You’re not even upset you didn’t find your high. What just happened between you was so special. It’s perfect to you._

_“I’m sorry you didn’t come,” he says as he holds you close to him._

_“It’s my first time I didn’t expect to come.”_

_You can tell right away he’s worried you didn’t enjoy the whole time._

_“Hey,” you reach up and rest your hand on his chest._

_He looks up at you with sad eyes._

_“That was perfect, you made me come before. I wouldn’t change anything about this.”_

_-_

**NOW**

You tell the boys you need another beer. Walking off to the kitchen to get a beer you’re surprised when your phone vibrates. Pulling your phone from your jeans pocket you’re surprised to see a text from your mother. You haven’t talked to her in a couple months. It’s pretty unexpected for her to text you in the first place.

Opening the text you see it reads, “Hey honey I just wanted to let you know Kalen proposed. I’m getting married.”

Her text suddenly brought back a lot of your mixed emotions when it comes to your mother. You haven’t really ever forgiven her from walking away from you and your dad. 

After she left you barely ever saw her. As a kid you used to spend one weekend a summer in Minnesota. As a teenager you stopped taking those trips when you turned fifteen.

She’s had little involvement in your life.

The fact that she was going to get remarried left you feeling strange. You weren’t even sure what to say to her. So you just slide your phone back in your pocket and try to act like you didn’t see her message. 

Walking back into the library you had Sam a beer and try to act like hadn’t just received a text from your mother.

Sitting down next to him Sam can tell automatically something is up, he’s always been able to read you like an open book.

He reaches over and rest his hand on her knee and gently squeezes it. “Are you okay?” he ask.

You nod lying to him and yourself.


	5. I don’t wanna talk about it

_**THEN** _

_Three years have passed since your last trip to see Sam. Life just seemed to get in the way for both of you. Sam was working on getting into pre law program, and your father had just beat a round of cancer. Your life seemed to be stuck in Kansas. On top of that you were now in your nursing program._

_You were once again on a plane to see Sam and his girlfriend of year Jessica._

_It still feels so weird to say Sam has a girlfriend. The night before he asked her out he called you asking you if it’s okay for him to ask her out. You informed him that you aren’t his girlfriend that he’s allowed to ask her out._

_That phone call broke your heart if you’re being completely honest with yourself. Sam was never yours and that night between you didn’t make him your boyfriend. Since that night you hadn’t even seen him in person. Even though you hadn’t seen each other in person you made sure you spoke on the phone at least once a week._

_Arriving at the airport you look through the sea of people until you see your best friend once again standing there waiting for you holding a sign with your name on it._

_You can’t help but run towards him, you’ve missed your best friend so much you can’t get to him fast enough. He pulls your doughy body into his quickly. He leans down and presses his lips to the top of your head._

_“How has it been so long?” he says pulling away from you._

_You shrug your shoulders and say, “life got in the way.”_

_“How’s your dad?” he asks as he places his hand on your shoulder._

_“He’s finally in remission,” you say as Sam starts leading you through the airport._

_He leads you to his car and he puts you suitcase in the back before driving you to his apartment he has that’s off campus. When you arrive he takes your suitcase and you both start walking up towards his apartment._

_When you enter you’re greeted by a beautiful girl who is baking something. She turns around and give you and Sam a big smile._

_“You must be Sam’s best friend, (Y/N). I have heard some many amazing things about you,” she says before she leans up and presses her lips to Sam’s for a sweet kiss._

_“Yeah and you must be Jessica. Sam has told me a lot about you and I’m so glad I’m finally getting to meet you.”_

_As the day goes on you watch Sam and Jessica and it’s very clear to you that they are very much in love. Jess is a great girl and you can tell she’s perfect for Sam. She’s helping give Sam the life he’s always wanted, and even though it breaks your heart to see him in love with someone. You know deep down inside that this is what’s best for Sam. You know that things between you can never work out, and you can’t risk ruining your friendship. Even if it breaks your heart you know this is best for him. His life in California is going to bring him true happiness and you know that. You can never stand in between Sam and him being happy and getting everything he’s always wanted in life. If you wanted this happy life with Sam you would of went with him to California when you were eighteen._

_Your two days you spend with Sam and Jessica is really nice. See Sam reminds you how much you miss him. Life without him always feels like there is a missing puzzle piece in your life._

_Sam drives you to the airport and he parks his car so he’s able to give you a proper goodbye. You both have no clue when you’ll actually get to see each other again._

_“Sam I need to say something,” you say as he holds you close hugging you._

_He pulls away and looks down at your, “ you can say anything you know that.”_

_“I’m really happy you finally found someone who isn’t afraid to love you,” this statement hurts like hell to say, but you need Sam to hear it._

_“Okay I need to ask you something,” he says as he reaches up and rest his hand on your round cheek._

_“You can ask me anything,” you say as your eyes start to brim with tears._

_“Are you afraid to love me?”_

_The tears start sliding down your cheek as you gently nod. You say softly, “you mean way too much to me for me to do something mess this up.”_

_“I don’t think we would of messed things up,” he says with his voice sounding shaky as if he’s fighting off his own tears._

_“Jessica seems amazing and it means the world to me to see you happy,” leaning up your press your cheeks to his. Pulling away from you can tell he’s fighting back tears. “Goodbye Sammy,” you say reaching for your suitcase._

**NOW**

You still haven’t responded to your mothers text. You aren’t even sure what you should say to her. Just telling her “congratulation” seemed strange. 

You lay in bed for a while wide awake, before you finally decide to get up to have a cup of coffee. Dean is sitting in the kitchen at the table eating some bacon with a cup of coffee in front of him. You pour yourself a cup of coffee and sit down across from him and he holds out a piece of bacon for you. You smile as you take bacon.

“Where’s Sam?” you ask between bites.

“He went out for a jog like a crazy person,” he says.

You finish eating your bacon and you can feel Dean watching you.

“What’s on your mind darling?” he asks.

“My mom texted me to tell me that Kalen proposed to her,” this was the first time you were saying this out loud. 

His eyes grow wide as he stares at you. Dean is well aware of your relationship with your mother, and your resentment you have towards her for her walking out on your father and you.

“I take it you aren’t exactly happy about this,” he says.

You shrug your shoulders and sigh, “I don’t know how I feel about this if I’m being honest.”

Before you can say anything else Sam walks into the kitchen looking quite sweaty. He reaches into the fridge and pulls out a bottle of water and walks over to the table where you and Dean are sitting.

“What are you two talking about,” he says as he twist open the bottle of water.

“Kalen proposed to my mom.”

Sam’s eyes grew wide just as Dean’s had. He stares at you for a long moment before saying, “Are you okay?”

“I think so. I need to call her and talk to her. I couldn’t bring myself to just text her back.”

Sam walks over and places his hand on your shoulder and she says, “if you need anything I’m here for you.”

“We’re both here darling,” Dean adds.

“Thanks boys, I’m going to go call her real quick.”

Walking off to your bedroom you sit on your bed and you stare at your moms contact information for a long moment before you finally get enough courage to call her.

The phone rings about three times before you hear your mother say, “Oh sweetheart I’m so happy to hear from you.”

You pause for a moment before saying, “hi, mom.”

“Did you see my text?” your mother asks.

Closing your eyes you say, “yeah I saw it. Congratulations.”

“Thank you sweetie. Kalen and I were talking and we would really like for you to come down for a couple of days.”

Your mother knows damn well she doesn’t have a right to ask for you to come see her. Everything in you is screaming to say no, but you can’t. Throughout your life as hunter you have seen too many people pass away, and you’ve told yourself that you need to get rid of past grudges. Maybe it’s time you finally fully forgive your mother.

“I can drive up tomorrow,” you say.

“Oh sweetie that will be amazing,” you can tell by your mother’s voice that she’s happy she’s going to get to see you again.

“Okay, I’ll see you soon,” you say before hanging up.

Sitting your phone down on your bed you take a deep breath. You can’t believe you actually agreed to drive up to see your mother. 

Walking back into the kitchen you find Dean drinking another cup of coffee and you find Sam freshly changed sitting in the spot you had been sitting in.

Sitting down next Sam you let out a heavy sigh. You lean forward resting your face in your hands. You feel Sam’s strong gently start rubbing your back, the same way he always does when he wants to help calm you down.

“You okay?” Dean ask.

Looking up at him you slowly nod your head, “like an idiot I agreed to drive to Minnesota to see my mother and Kalen tomorrow.”

Dean stares at you in complete shock, and Sam doesn’t say anything he just continues to gently rub your back.

“I’m trying to forgive her and this is step one,” you say leaning forward and resting your head back in your hands.

“I’ll go with you,” Sam says.

Pulling your face from your hands you quickly look up at Sam. He’s literally an angel for offering to go with you. 

“Are you serious?” you asks.

He nods and say, “Of course I’ll go with you. I know this is a big deal and I’ll be there to hold your hand through it all.”

“You’re the best,” you say giving him a smile.

“I’ll stay here with Jack, and Cas, and if you need us for anything I’ll drive to you right away,” Dean says.

You can’t believe how you lucked out having both the boys in your life. 

_**THEN** _

__

__

You’re studying for a major test in one of your classes when you receive a call from Dean. You haven’t heard from him in a while so seeing his name pop up on your phone leaves you scared something is wrong.

“Hello,” you say answering the phone.

“Darling I hate to call, but my dad went on a hunt and he’s missing,” you can tell he sounds pretty worried.

“Dean I wish I could help, but I have a really big test in two days for one of my classes. I can’t fail it or it could mess with me becoming a nurse.” You feel really bad that you can’t help, but you know there are plenty of hunters that can help Dean. Your dad can even help Dean if he needs the help.

“Darling I’m not asking for you to come help, I’m calling you to let you know that I’m driving to Stanford to get Sammy.”

Your eyes grow wide that he’s driving to Sam. The brothers weren’t exactly on the best terms. If Dean drives out there, this could mess up his life with Jess.

“Does he know you’re coming?” you asks.

“No, he would tell me know if he knew I was coming.”

“Why are telling me this Dean?” you asked sitting up from you bed where you sitting with your nose buried in your textbook.

“Because I might need you to convince Sammy to help me,” he says. 

“He’ll help you,” you say knowing Sam all too well. Even though Sam is mad at his father, you know he’ll help find him just because Dean needs him.

“I hope so darling,” he says before hanging up.

-

A couple of days have passed when you get a phone call from Dean once again. It’s late at night and seeing his name on your caller id leaves you worried that something has happened to Sam.

“Hello?” you say trying to say calm.

“Darling Sammy is fine, but he’s going to need you,” your heart is racing at his words.

“Dean what’s wrong?” you’re already crawling out of bed getting ready to pack a backpack.

“Yellow eyes got Jess,” your heart drops at his statement. You know how much Sam loved her. Your best friend must be a complete and utter mess.

“Where should I meet you?” you ask walking towards you closest to grab your backpack.

“We’re heading towards Colorado.”

“I’ll leave now to drive that way. Where is Sam now?” you ask as you start pulling a few things from your dresser to pack.

“He’s in a gas station right now. I didn’t tell him I was calling you.”

“Where are you at right?” you asks.

“Nevada.”

You hang up from your phone call with Dean and rush into the kitchen you leave a note for your father before jumping into the same truck that Dean taught you to drive in all those years ago.

It takes about seven and a half hours of your driving through the night when you finally pull up to the motel Dean told you they were staying in. It’s early in the morning as you walk up to the door and knock on the room that is in front of the parked impala.

“One moment,” you hear Sam say on the other side.

He opens the door and his eyes grow wide when he sees you standing on the other side of the door.

“What are you doing here?” Sam says looking at you like he’s seen a ghost.

“Dean told me what happened and I thought you might need your best friend,” you step forward and wrap your arms around his torso and just hold him. He breaks as you hold him and repeat over and over again that you’re always going to be there for him.


	6. second guess these words of mine

**NOW**

Standing in your room you were working on packing a bag to take on this short trip. You aren’t even sure what you should pack for this trip. As you finish packing you walk over to Sam’s room, you find him finishing packing his own bag.

“Am I crazy for agreeing to this trip?” you ask leaning against his door frame.

He shakes his head, “no I think you’re brave for agreeing to go.”

He zips up his bag and walks over to you and pulls you into his strong chest, “I’m going to be there for you the whole time.”

Pulling away from him you smile. You aren’t sure how you managed to find such amazing best friend. 

Walking into the kitchen you find Dean making himself a sandwich. He gives you a smile and says, “if you need anything while you’re gone darling, feel free to call.”

“Thank you Dean, I’ll have Sam so I think I’ll be okay,” you say reaching into the fridge and pulling a bottle of water.

“I’m glad Sammy is going with you. You both have a really special relationship.”

Dean wasn’t wrong you and Sam do have a really special bond. He’s your rock and has been there for you through thick and thin. Even in your worst moments together you still loved him. 

-

_**THEN** _

_Sitting on your bedroom floor you sobbed as clutched your phone in your hand. Dean was on the other side and had called to tell you that Sam was gone. Your best friend, your everything fell into Hell as Lucifer’s vessel. Your room felt like it was spinning as you sobbed._

_You keep hearing Dean say your name on the other side of the line, but you can’t even bring yourself to respond. You’re crying so hard you aren’t even sure if you can even form words._

_You had been there for Sam when Dean had died, and you cried over losing him, but losing Sam left you feel broken. It felt like a part of your life disappeared. You don’t even know how you’re supposed to function without him in your life._

_Your father finds you on the floor still sobbing. He held you for hours until there weren’t any more tears left in your body._

_You awake in the middle of the night, unable to sleep. You thought a shower might help distract you, but it doesn’t. You sat on the bottom of your shower letting the warm water wash away your tears as you continued to sob once again._

_You weren’t sure anyone could ever say anything to you that would help mend your broken heart._

_-_

_A year has passed, when you received another phone call from Dean. The moment he tells you that Sam is back you once start sobbing, but this time it’s tears of joy._

_You pack a backpack and drive straight to the boys. The moment you arrive you rush forward and wrap your arms around Sam and hold him as the tears start sliding down your cheeks._

_Pulling away from him you look up at him and you can tell something is off. This isn’t your same best friend. You push away any worried thoughts and spend a couple days with the boys before you drive home._

_From the moment you arrive home you can’t help the worried thoughts in the back of your mind that something is off about Sam._

_-_

_The third phone call you receive from Dean is him telling you that Sam lost his soul in Lucifer’s cage. You call work and get a personal leave for a month and once again drive to meet up with Sam and Dean._

_The more time you spend with Sam the more you can tell how he doesn’t make choices based on his feelings. One strange thing about this new version of Sam is that he openly flirts with you. You’ve always had a special relationship where you would hold hands and hug, but he’s never hit on you quite like this, and even though you know he doesn’t have a soul. That this isn’t really your best friend. You can’t help but like the attention he gives you now. There seems to be a tension between you two, and Sam tends to look at you like he’s constantly undressing you with his eyes._

_Dean doesn’t like leaving Sam alone because he doesn’t trust his ability to make decisions. You’re often left alone with Sam while Dean is out handling things._

_Sitting in a hotel room, it’s just you and Sam. You’re sitting at the table working on writing an email. Sam comes over and sits across from you and you can feel his eyes burning into you. Whenever you’re alone Sam seems to watch you like he’s observing you. Looking up at him you ask, “yes?”_

_“Did you ever tell Dean about that night at Stanford?” he doesn’t even have to clarify which night he’s talking about. You know exactly what he’s talking about._

_You shake your head, “I didn’t feel like anyone ever needs to know about that night.” That’s a special night that didn’t need to be tainted by other people finding about it._

_“Why was it a one time thing?” he’s looking at you with lust filled eyes._

_Your stomach was twisting in knots as you stare into his hazel eyes. You weren’t sure why he was bringing up a night that you’ve never spoke about._

_“You had Jess, and I was in Kansas.”_

_You asked yourself many times why you and Sam never became more after that night, but you always told yourself it was because Sam only saw you as a friend._

_“Even after Jess, why didn’t we sleep together again?”_

_You knit your eyebrows together as you look at him, “Sam what are you trying to get out of this conversation?”_

_He shrugs his shoulders and leans back in his chair, “I mean it’s obvious we have a connection and you’re my best friend.”_

_Biting your bottom lip you stare at him, you wish you could read his mind to know exactly what he’s thinking._

_Standing up he walks over to you and pulls out your chair. Looking up at him you’re so confused on what he plans on doing. He takes your hand so you’re standing in front of him. He’s looking down at you with those same hungry eyes. The oxygen feels like it’s being sucked out of the room as he leans down and connects his lips to yours for a hungry kiss. This kiss is so different then any kiss you had ever shared together. His hands held your round face as your lips moved together. Pulling his lips away from yours his teeth gently tugged on your bottom lip.  
“Did you want to do this?” he asked as his hands reached for the buttons on your top. _

_You swallow staring at him, wondering if you should say no, but the way he’s looking at you you’re not sure you can say no. He looked at you like he wanted to rip your clothes off with his teeth, and it turned you on way more than it honestly should._

_“Yeah,” you whisper as his fingers start unbuttoning your top._

_He quickly removed your shirt and then discarded his own shirt. He connected his lips to yours for a rough kiss as he walked you back until were pressed against the wall. His hungry lips moved down your neck leaving a trail of wet kisses as his hands worked on getting your jeans off. He only removes his lips to push your jeans down your thick thighs._

_You’re left standing there in nothing but your bra and panties. You reach for the buckle on his jeans, and your hands shook slightly with nerves as pushed his jeans down his legs. He steps away from you and kicks his boots off and removed his jeans the rest of the way. Your eye automatically go to his tented boxers._

_Your mind seems to be in a million different places and you can seem to barely focus on what is happening._

_Stepping forward his lips connect to yours for a searing kiss. His hand moves down your round stomach and his fingertips play with the top of your panties for a long moment before his hand dips beneath the cotton. His long finger stroke your folds and your eyes close. His lips move down the base of your neck as his fingers work on toying with your sensitive bundle of nerves._

_“You’re so wet,” he says with his lips ghosting your skin._

_He removes his hand from your panties and pulls his lips away from your skin. His finger hook into your underwear and he pushes them down your thick thighs._

_You’re left standing there completely bare from the waist down. Your eyes go straight to his waist as he pushes his boxers down freeing himself. Your heart picks up at the sight of a fully naked Sam standing in front of you._

_“Do you have a condom?” you ask through baited breath._

_He nods his head and reaches into his wallet and pulls out a condom. He tears open the foil packet with his teeth and slides the rubber down his hardened length. As he takes another step towards you, you’re suddenly reminded of how real this is. You’re about to have sex with your best friend once again._

_His hand reached down and grabs your thick thigh. He he lines up with your entrance and slides into you in one quick motion. One of your hands was pressed up against the wall while the other gripped his side._

_This experience was the polar opposite of your first time together. His thrusts are firm and quick. You can’t help but moan his name as he fills you fully. Both your hand gripped his arms holding on to him for dear life._

_The coil in your stomach was tightening as he was pushing you closer to the edge. His thrust are growing sloppier as your grip on his arms tightened. Your eyes focused on his face as he continued to thrust over and over. He seemed so focus and you wanted nothing more than to kiss him._

_“Please kiss me,” you plead._

_You wanna know what his lips feel like against your in the moment. Leaning toward he presses his lips to yours for a rough kiss. You never expected for Sam to someone who likes it rough. He was so gentle with your first time, and this was the complete opposite._

_Leaning forward he whispers in your ear, “just let go.”_

_All it took was his sinful command to push you over the edge. Your head rolls back as you ride out your high. It only takes a few sloppy thrust to push him over the edge._

_Dropping your thick thigh and with wobbly legs you lean against the wall staring at Sam._

_“I love you,” you say with your eyes locked on his._

_Silently he stares at you as he’s trying to catch his breath. He seems completely unaffected by the three words you just said to him._

_You knit eyebrows together and stare at him unsure of what to say to him. He clearly heard what you had said to him, he just chose not to respond._

_“Sam say something,” you say with your voice shaking._

_“I don’t feel anything,” his voice was low as he reaches down and picks up his boxers._

_Those four words shattered your heart. Of course he didn’t feel anything he doesn’t have a soul. This didn’t mean anything to him. It never would. You felt like a complete idiot for letting this happen._

_“I’m extremely attracted to you,” he says almost as if that’s some sort of saving grace._

_“Did this mean anything to you?” you ask reaching down to pick up your underwear._

_He slowly shakes his head as he looks up at you were a blank look._

_“Do I mean anything to you?” you asked terrified to even know his answer._

_“I don’t really feel anything at all,” he says as he sits down on the edge of the bed._

_You swallow as you fight back tears. You can’t cry over this, you can’t let him see you cry. You quickly grab your jeans and pull them on and walk over to your bag to pull on a sweater. Quickly you put on some boots before rushing out of the hotel room you need some space from Sam. The more you look at him and the more he says you fully realize what a complete mistake you just made._

_Walking outside you pull out your phone and ask Dean to meet you at a diner nearby._

_You walk a couple blocks to the diner and find Dean inside waiting for you. Sitting down across from Dean he can automatically tell something is wrong._

_“What did Sammy do?” he asks._

_You closed your eyes knowing that you couldn’t keep them from Dean. He needed to know what just happened._

_“I slept with Sam,” you let out a heavy sigh._

_“Oh (y/n),” he reached across the table and takes your hand in his. “What happened?”_

_You look down at the table as tears start to fall again as you think about the huge mistake you had just made, “we slept together back when were were eighteen. It was a one time thing it was super special and we have never spoke about it today, until Sam brought it up. One thing led to another and we had sex, because I thought he was finally acting on his feeling. Afterwards I told him I loved him, and he basically told me he doesn’t feel anything. God I’m such an idiot.”_

_Dean looked at you and gave you a sad smile. You could tell that he felt bad for you, and you hated that._

_“Darling Sammy doesn’t have a soul, if he did he would never do anything to hurt you.”_

_You nod your head knowing that Dean is right. You mean the world to Sam and he would never do anything that could possibly hurt you. You knew you made a mistake that you shouldn’t of done anything that could possibly mess up your friendship with Sam._

_-_

**NOW**

You’ve been on the road for three hours when Sam stops to get some gas. You get out of the car needing to stretch your legs. Stretching your sore body you watch as Sam fills up your truck.

“Are you hungry?” Sam asks.

You nod and give him a smile. 

“Why don’t we stop and grab some lunch?” he asks as he puts the gas pump away.

“I could go for some lunch,” slowly you walk back over and to the truck and get back in.

Sitting in a diner with Sam things seem so easy between the two of you. You’re watching as he stirs his creamer into his coffee. Looking up at you his eyes roam your face as he smiles. 

“Is it safe to say you’re going to get a waffle?” he ask knowing you all too well. 

You nod as you close your menu, “it would be a crime if I got anything else.”

“Does your mom know you live with Dean and I know?” 

Slowly you nod. Your mom doesn’t know too much about your life, but she does know you left Owen to be with Sam and Dean. 

“Okay,” he says before pausing. He looks at you like he’s not sure exactly what he wants to say.

Your waitress comes to the table and you both order your food. You sit there in comfortable silence for a few moments sipping on your cup of coffee. 

“She was cheating on my dad and that’s why she left us,” You blurt out of nowhere. Your eyes are wild as you stare at Sam. He’s looking at your with a sad look almost as if he’s not sure what to say. That was one of the only things you had never told Sam. 

“How long have you known?” He asks as he reached forward and rest his hand on top of yours. 

“My dad told me when he was fighting his last round of cancer. We were talking about her and he told me. He told me he hid it from me as a kid because he didn’t want me to hate her,” you feel sick as you tell him about your father’s heartbreak. 

“(Y/N) I’m so sorry,” he squeezes your hand. 

“I just need you to know why hesitant about going to see her. This is also why I need you to be there with me,” your voice is shaky as your trying your hardest not to cry. 

“I’m going to be there to hold your hand the whole time,” he says causing you to smile. 

-

_**THEN** _

_Once Death returns Sam’s soul you sat in the impala with him, and you can’t lie things feel strange between you._

_Biting your bottom lip you look out the window. You know that you need to have a talk and discuss what unfolded in the hotel room, but you can’t lie you’re scared._

_The car is completely silent, but you hear his steady breathing. His strong hand rest on your thick thigh and you glance up at him._

_“I’m sorry,” he says looking at you. His eyes are filled with remorse._

_Your eyes moved down to where his hand is still resting on your thigh. Things feel suddenly so different between you, but not for the better._

_“It’s okay,” you whisper._

_You can’t judge him for his actions while his soul was missing. If he had a soul during all of that you would have never slept together again._

_“It’s not okay though,” his voice is low and slightly shaky._

_Resting your hand on top of his you gently squeeze his hand and say, “we’re okay.”_

_Your heartaches from your exchange that meant nothing to him, but you don’t fault him for that. Even being slightly heartbroken you aren’t lying when you tell him things are okay. Things will always be okay between you._

_“I don’t know what I would do if you weren’t in my life,” he says._

_You look up at him and give him a soft smile before you lean forward and press your lips to his cheek for a gentle kiss._

_“Do me a favor and don’t die on me again. That year was the worst year of my life.”_

_-_

_You stay with the boys for another month when you receive a phone call from your father. He tells you that he’s been diagnosed with cancer. You feel sick to your stomach as you process the terrible news your father has told you. You sit on the floor in a hotel crying as Sam holds you. Your father is your rock and he’s been there for you through everything. He was the one that held when you thought you lost Sam forever._

_An hour later when you’ve stopped crying the boys take you home to your father. On the drive home Sam holds you in the back seat. Even after everything you’ve been through you know that he’s still your best friend and will always be there for you._


End file.
